Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Why I Hate Television

Mummy protested at Greenham Common and now grows organic vegetables at our house in Berkshire, Daddy worked in the City trading in sub-primes and has now moved into carbon futures. I went to Oxbridge where I studied Media & Film and Political Science. I got a first for my dissertation on ‘Russian Poverty and the Rise of Social Justice Under Stalin’, which was a surprise, since I spent so much time protesting against Global Capitalism and smoking dope in Mummy’s flat in Notting Hill. Then I bought a Prius and got a job at the BBC on £50,000 a year.

It’s a given that the TV media has been taken over by lefty-liberal hypocrites and is the propaganda arm of similar lefty-liberal hypocrites who wholly occupy the three main political parties. The typical short bio of a TV producer above is why television has devalued and dumbed-down its news and entertainment, and why people seek both of these on the Internet now. And don’t expect this to change any time soon. Anyone who questions the consensus of these people won’t get past the security guard now, or, if they are already past the door get ousted in regular pogroms, hence we see David Bellamy dragged to the back of the gravy train with environmental correspondents holding his ankles and clutching his beard, then tossed off into nettles, stones and last year’s designer plastic water bottles.

Now, I cannot enjoy a wildlife program without being lectured by Attenborough on how my flat screen TV is killing Polar bears. Every fiction must have its token black man, gay with AIDs and battered mother, whilst the likes of Spooks can never venture near the truth; no Islamic murderers trying to tube-fry citizens since they’ll inevitably turn out to be working for the Mossad or the evil Americans. And every police procedural must propound the truth that thieves and granny-rapers were abused by their fathers and driven to desperation by poverty.

Floods and warm summers are always due to global warming, whilst ten years of cold is just ‘the weather’, and fraud can only be committed by ‘deniers’ and ‘flat earthers’. Gays must at once be promoted to the position of ‘quirky’ presenter whilst we must gloss over the fact that ‘peaceful’ Moslems want them stoned to death. Women’s rights are important, but you must never question the cultural diversity of those who would snip off their clits, bag them like potatoes and murder them should they try to marry outside of the religious ghetto. The Copenhagen delegates who flooded Danish airports with private jets and rented every luxury limo in the country are trying to save the planet, don’t you know? Balance in current affairs programs, say, for example, one about immigration, is essential. This requires a government spokesweasel telling us about the joys of multiculturalism balanced against the racism of crack-smoking hoodies from Hackney.

And you, dear viewer, are stupid stupid stupid, and if you don’t listen to what we’re telling you we’ll bombard you with X-factor, I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here and soaps until you submit. But really, we don’t care, because we’re off to do a documentary about sea-level rise in the Maldives and if you don’t pay your license fee you will be prosecuted.

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